Why We Repeat the Pain💖Understanding Trauma Loops-Heart of Healing Trauma
- Upan Lifton
- Jun 8
- 4 min read
From the Heart of Healing Trauma series:
“Why do I keep ending up here?”
“Why do I attract the same kind of people… or situations… or heartbreak?”
“What’s wrong with me that I can’t let go of this pattern?”
If you’ve asked yourself these questions, you are not broken.
You are human, and your nervous system is doing its best to protect you in a world it once learned was dangerous.
🔁 Repetition Compulsion: When the Past Becomes the Present.
There’s a term in psychology called repetition compulsion - a concept originally coined by Freud, which has since been expanded upon by numerous psychologists and theorists throughout the years.
This intriguing psychological phenomenon delves into the intricate workings of the human mind, revealing how our past experiences, particularly those that are painful or traumatic, can unconsciously dictate our present behaviors and choices.
Repetition compulsion refers to the unconscious drive to recreate familiar painful experiences, especially those deeply rooted in unresolved trauma.
This compulsion can manifest in various ways, such as choosing partners who resemble past abusers, engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors, or finding ourselves in situations that echo previous hardships.
The underlying motivation for these actions is not a conscious desire to suffer; rather, it stems from a profound, albeit misguided, hope that this time, the outcome will differ.
Not because we want to suffer…
But because we subconsciously hope this time, it might turn out differently.
This hope is often accompanied by a yearning for acceptance and validation.
We might think that perhaps this time, we’ll be chosen, valued, or loved in the way we always desired.
Maybe we’ll finally feel safe, free from the shadows of our past. Maybe the pain will be redeemed, transformed into a source of strength rather than a lingering wound.
The cycle of repetition is thus a complex interplay of desire, fear, and the quest for resolution.
🧠 How Trauma Teaches Us to Repeat.
When trauma occurs, particularly during the formative years of childhood, it wires our nervous system to expect more of the same.
The experiences we endure during these critical developmental stages shape our perceptions of relationships, safety, and self-worth.
As a result, we may unconsciously gravitate toward situations that replicate those early experiences, believing that we can somehow rewrite the narrative.
If love was unpredictable, we may chase people who confuse us, drawn to the emotional roller coaster that mirrors our childhood dynamics. This pursuit often leads to heartache, as we find ourselves entangled in relationships that echo the instability we once knew.
If anger meant danger, we may shut down conflict, avoiding necessary conversations even when we desperately need to express our feelings. This avoidance can lead to resentment and further emotional disconnection, perpetuating a cycle of silence that stifles our growth.
If chaos was constant, calm may feel… suspicious. We might sabotage peaceful moments, fearing that tranquility is merely a precursor to impending turmoil, thus reinforcing our belief that chaos is the only constant in life.
Your brain isn’t trying to hurt you; it’s trying to resolve unfinished business.
It is engaged in a relentless quest for closure, seeking to address the wounds that remain open and unresolved.
However, until we become aware of these patterns, we find ourselves trapped in loops of behavior that hinder our ability to live freely and authentically.
The lack of awareness keeps us in a cycle of repetition, where past traumas dictate our present choices, often leading to further pain and confusion.
💡 Becoming Conscious of the Loop.
The loop continues until we take proactive steps to break free from its grasp.
This process involves several crucial stages:
We become aware of our patterns, recognizing the behaviors that keep us stuck in these cycles. This awareness is the first step toward change, as it allows us to see the connections between our past and present.
We stop blaming ourselves for coping mechanisms that were once necessary for survival. Understanding that these behaviors were adaptive responses to trauma can foster compassion for ourselves, paving the way for healing.
We interrupt the automatic pull toward the familiar, consciously choosing new paths and relationships that promote growth and healing. This disruption can be challenging, as it requires stepping outside our comfort zones, but it is essential for breaking the cycle.
“What is familiar is not always safe... but it is always magnetic… until we heal.”
This poignant statement encapsulates the essence of repetition compulsion, highlighting the magnetic pull of our past experiences.
Until we embark on the journey of healing, we remain bound to the familiar, even when it is fraught with pain.
By becoming conscious of our patterns and actively working to change them, we can begin to rewrite our narratives, transforming our past wounds into sources of wisdom and strength.
🧘♂️ Meditation for Noticing the Loop.
“Witnessing Without Shame” (2–3 mins)
Find a quiet space.
Close your eyes and bring your awareness to your breath.
Inhale deeply…
and exhale slowly.
Picture a pattern in your life that keeps showing up - something that causes pain or confusion.
Don’t judge it.
Don’t analyze it.
Just notice it.
Like watching a wave rise and fall.
Now say to yourself gently:
“I see the pattern.
I release the shame.
I am learning to choose differently.”
Let your breath become steady and calm again.
Inhale: Awareness
Exhale: Compassion
When you’re ready, open your eyes... and carry this awareness with you today.
✨ A Reflection for the Journey...
What familiar pain do I keep reenacting?
Can I trace it back—not to blame, but to understand?
You don’t have to stay stuck in the same loop.
Awareness is the first key.
Compassion is the second.
Together, they create space for new choices.
✨If this touched something in you, share it with someone walking their own healing path. And stay tuned for Part 3: “The Familiarity of Chaos: Are We Addicted to Trauma?”
Comments