The Familiarity of Chaos 💖Are We Addicted to Trauma?-Heart of Healing Trauma
- Upan Lifton
- Jun 16, 2025
- 4 min read
Updated: Jun 17, 2025
From the Heart of Healing Trauma series:
“Why do I feel restless when things are calm?”
“Why do I miss someone who hurt me?”
“Why does peace feel… off?”
Sometimes, what we call “addiction to trauma” isn’t about wanting pain, it’s about seeking the familiar.
Because chaos is what we’ve known.
And familiarity feels like safety, even when it’s not.
🌀 The Pull of the Familiar:
Our nervous system is brilliant in its design and functionality, enabling us to respond to our environment in ways that ensure our survival.
However, it is important to recognize that it is not always accurate in its assessments and interpretations of our experiences.
If your past was filled with unpredictability, neglect, or emotional intensity, your body may associate that chaotic state with normalcy.
This means that the turmoil and instability you experienced in formative years can create a framework through which you view the world.
The brain, in its effort to protect you, may learn to expect chaos as a standard part of life, leading to a skewed perception of safety and comfort.
When things calm down, when someone is kind, gentle, or stable, it can feel strange, even threatening. The very qualities that are meant to provide reassurance can trigger discomfort and anxiety.
This is because your nervous system, trained to respond to chaos, may misinterpret tranquility as a precursor to danger or abandonment. The peace that others find soothing can feel alien and unsettling to someone whose life has been characterized by emotional upheaval.
This isn’t dysfunction; rather, it’s adaptation.
It is a coping mechanism born from a history of survival in an unpredictable environment. Understanding this can be the first step toward reshaping your relationship with calmness and learning to embrace a more stable emotional landscape.
🔄 When Survival Becomes a Cycle:
We adapt to survive in a world that often feels hostile or uncertain.
This adaptation manifests in various ways that can be detrimental to our well-being.
We stay hyper-alert in case something goes wrong. This state of constant vigilance can lead to chronic stress, making it difficult to relax or enjoy the present moment.
We chase intensity because it mirrors what love used to look like. The emotional highs and lows become a familiar rhythm, and the absence of such intensity can feel hollow and unfulfilling.
We mistake nervous system arousal for chemistry, connection, or “spark.” The adrenaline rush associated with conflict or drama can be misinterpreted as passion, leading us to seek out relationships that perpetuate this cycle of chaos.
And sometimes… we recreate the chaos ourselves.
This self-sabotaging behavior is not born from a desire for pain; rather, it stems from a belief that stillness feels unsafe.
In a world where chaos was the norm, the absence of it can evoke feelings of unease, prompting us to unconsciously instigate turmoil to regain a sense of familiarity.
🛑 Can We Really Be Addicted to Trauma?
In literal terms, trauma isn’t addictive in the same way substances can be; however, the body can become conditioned to the rush of survival.
The physiological responses to stress... such as the surge of adrenaline and cortisol during crises - can create a cycle where these chemicals become the body’s new normal. Consequently, peace can feel like withdrawal.
When you have spent so long in a state of heightened alertness, the absence of that familiar tension can evoke feelings of anxiety and discomfort.
Safety can feel like emptiness, leaving you questioning your self-worth and place in the world.
Healing can feel boring, as the excitement and drama that once characterized your life are replaced by a quieter, more stable existence.
Until we learn that stillness is not abandonment but rather a form of restoration, we may resist the very thing that can lead us to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Recognizing these patterns is essential for breaking the cycle of trauma and finding a new way to relate to ourselves and others. Embracing the calm can lead to profound healing, allowing us to redefine our understanding of love, safety, and emotional connection.
🧘♀️ Meditation for Reclaiming Calm
“Making Peace with Stillness” (3 minutes)
Sit quietly and take a few slow, deep breath.
Inhale through your nose… exhale through your mouth.
Let your eyes close gently.
Feel the stillness around you - and within you.
If that stillness feels uncomfortable or unsettling, just notice it.
Say silently:
“It’s okay to feel calm.
It’s okay to feel safe.”
Inhale: Stillness
Exhale: Permission
Stay here for a few more breaths.
Give yourself just a few minutes...
Let calm become your new rhythm...
Whenever you’re ready, you may open your eyes.
🌱 A Reflection for the Journey:
What does chaos feel like in my body?
When did I first learn to associate pain with connection?
You are not addicted to pain.
You are learning to receive peace.
✨If this touched something in you, share it with someone walking their own healing path. Stay tuned for Part 4: “The Turning Point - Interrupting the Cycle”
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